In February, this queen became the most important part of my entire life and I fell head over heels in love with her. In March, I asked her to move in with me and in May , I asked her to marry me. Two weeks ago, we decided we wanted to start a family together and I couldn’t be happier to the joy this amazing person gives me. I have had a lot of long and failed relationships and have fallen in love with people I couldn’t realistically be with. Today, I am so happy the other relationships failed because I found my soulmate and the only person in the world I’d ever change my mind about wanting kids for. It’s so amazing to have someone in your life that you never get tired of being around and it’s even more amazing to have that love reciprocated. A year ago in September, I fell for a girl in Canada and in February, she never spoke to me again and left me in the wind and I thank her everyday for that now because I have an amazing woman in my life now, who also happens to be Canadian. I want to travel the world with this girl and grow a family with her. I fall in love more everyday because I learn more from you everyday and I can’t wait for what the future holds. You stuck by me through so much whining and have been the best caretaker while I’ve been sick. I am so excited for the summer and so many more summers to come. Thank you my queen, my rock, my universe.
I wanted to share a few thoughts I’ve had for a few days now. Last night I became more inspired to start a conversation about it after my friend and I began talking on the phone about friendships and relationships. It is important to note that prior to the conversation, I had a different view. I believed that friendships were unconditional to relationships, meaning I thought that putting a friend in front of a relationship was just common sense. Now I am in no way saying that my views completely changed, and I do think its a very complicated and not black and white issue. After a 3 hour phone call with this friend, I am more interested in the entire dynamic.
So, on the phone, my friend was asking my personal opinion on if I’d end a friendship over a relationship and vice versa, I first asked why she wanted to know and she told me her roommate is writing a play dealing with the topic of relationships and friendships and being ghosted. I said I think it’s a lot more complicated but I answered the ghosting question and told her the most painful experience was being completely deserted by an ex of mine, the first girl I truly ever fell head over heels in love years ago. I explained to her that being ghosted is probably the most painful thing someone can do to another. She asked me how I dealt with it and I told her honestly, I let the feelings come and go. I told her that there is no way to escape feelings and no amount of alcohol could make me feel better and the only thing I could do is to accept the feelings of they came. I explained to her that at a certain point I learned to be okay with the feelings, whatever they were, I had to be okay with them. I didn’t try to not think about it, I forced myself to until I came to a point where I could hear her name and not get chilled. I eventually got the point where I didn’t see a tv show and think of her, listened to a song and think of her, I moved on. She asked me if it was anything like the feeling when the Canadian girl left too, and I said no it was 10x worse because I was with this girl for 2 years. I told her I had to get to a place where I could be happy for her and wish her the best and mean it which took a long time.
We then got to the relationships and friendship dynamic part for which I told her I have ended relationships over friends because my friends have always been there for me. I did follow up tho and say that there is a huge difference between a friend getting in the middle of a relationship and a friend just not approving of a relationship. I said that my current girlfriend has also changed my opinion on this as well. I told her that it’s the first girl since the one that left me years ago, that I feel seriously about and I could see myself seriously having a problem with a friend who disapproved, disrespected, or interfered in this relationship. I told her I don’t think a friend interfering or manipulating a relationship, or in general, is really a friend at all. I understand that a friend may have issues with it, but to get involved is not having your best intentions at heart and that to me is a big no no. I also told her that if my friend mysteriously disagree with my bi-sexuality and didn’t approve on the basis of sexual orientation I would end that friendship because it’s who I am at the core of my being and that shows disrespect. I said Im at the age where I want to settle down with someone and it took the girl 2 years ago, me losing a baby, and the Canadian girl situation for me to truly understand what I want out of life. Respect, Love, Positivity. I explained that I am 26 years old and I will be 27 this year and I can’t have drama in my life, relationships, or friendships. I said we will continue this conversation later because I am now super intrigued because we all have had that one relationship or friendship that was difficult because someone didn’t agree.
I wanted to share this with y’all because I think it’s a fascinating topic. Sorry for the rambling.
More to come later.
So as I have been thinking things have finally cooled down and stabilized, a close friend from college called me two days ago and said she was coming to LA and wanted to see me. When she finally got here and settled in at my place, she turned to me and told me something really serious was going on and that she needed a place to stay for a bit. I wont share what exactly she shared with me for her privacy, but I will say helping a friend in need is one of the most rewarding experiences in life. We all have our struggles and we never should have to face them alone or have to fear reaching out for help or comfort in times of need. I told her she could stay with us as long as she wanted and that I’d be more than happy to help in anyway I can.
More to come later
It’s scary to talk about my experiences with anxiety and depression and ptsd. But I think it’s only scary because of the stigma and judgment people put on me. People can be very quick to judge one another. But, nowadays I’m open to sharing more about my personal experiences if it could possibly help someone else.
No matter what you’re going through you’re not alone and there are people who want to help. I’ve had to seek help multiple times in my life and I’m glad and grateful that I reached out for help when my instinct was to stay in pain in isolation.
I am a great listener and a great bridge to other resources if anyone is ever interested. Mental health is so important and each person deserves peace of mind.