Marriage is always a work in progress.

Hey everyone, happy Monday

 

I’ve been thinking recently as a number of my friends are settling down or trying to settle down about how lucky I am. I have been told by several people recently that I am so lucky that I have found the one and that my marriage is successful and that most importantly, we get along. This discovery hit me hard for a few reasons. First, marriage is the hardest thing in the world and to people who think Sophie and I get along all the time, I am here to tell you, we don’t. We fight a lot we argue a lot we disagree a lot. However, that does not mean we don’t love each other or care for each other deeply. Secondly, ironically enough, I am not a believer in the notion of finding “the one”. I don’t think Sophie and I are meant for each other because of some outside force known as the one, I think we work really hard to make our marriage work, but I also think us being friends first helped set a foundation for a healthy relationship with effective communication.  We also have tremendous respect for our passions even though we may not have certain common interests. Yes, we both like art and cinema and love a lot of the same things, but we also have a lot of differences. We mutually respect each other’s interest. Finally, I don’t want my friends to think we are just lucky that we work. I am very grateful that we do but I also know Sophie and I are rare in that we were really close before we got together. As anyone who knows me or reads my blog knows, we are in counseling and it has helped a tremendous amount but it’s always a work in progress.  I love my wife more than anything and I will do absolutely anything for her, but it is my no means an easy relationship

Time flies

Hey everyone,

 

I am super sorry about my lack of posting recently. I have honestly had a lot going on. Between the Hurricane hitting Texas and a personal matter with my mother and my wife being mad that I have been traveling so much, I have had little time to post, yet be on a computer for that matter.

Anyways, that being said, I am back in Los Angeles, getting ready for my second year of medical school to start. With all that has been going on, I couldn’t help but think about how lucky I am to have such a strong support system, most of all my wife. She has had to put up with me basically going back and forth between LA Houston and New York. I know it has been really hard on her that I have been gone so much so we made a point with our marriage counselor to not go more than a week without seeing each other. I don’t know how realistic that is, but it at least gives us something to work towards.

I hope everyone has had a great couple of weeks and I love and appreciate all my friends, followers, and family.

I will do better about posting .

Happy Saturday

Out of the Loop

Hey everyone,

 

I apologize for the delay in posting. I flew home about a week and a half ago to Houston and as probably many of you know, a hurricane and storm came barreling through. I arrived to visit my family and since the disaster has happened, I have never been more proud to be a native Houstonian. While my family and our house has remained safe and intact, many people from neighbors to friends have lost everything.  In the wake of the tragedy, my friends and I have gotten in my family’s boat and assisted with the search and rescue teams to bring people to safety. In a world of such political differences, our city has come together.

Being here and seeing the communal response from a broken city has restored my faith in humanity. I am so fortunate to be able to have a house to come back to tonight as many friends do not. I encourage anyone in Houston who is lost , stranded, or needs a roof over there head, please do not hesitate to reach out. My email is rachelbquinn1990@gmail.com.

I will provide an update soon.

 

Thanks y’all

An ode to my wife 

This girl right here has been with me since day 1. I can’t express my gratitude and amazement fairly because I don’t have the right words to sum up how madly I am in love with you. It is such a rarity to have someone in your life that you learn something new from everyday and inspires you to be the very best person you can be. In you, I have found not only my soulmate, but also my best friend.  (Continue reading below)

We may have a lot of arguments and occasionally let our emotions get the best of us but at the end of the day, we always come back to one another with an even greater understanding of love and acceptance. I love you more and more everyday babe. 

Update

Hi everyone,

Sorry for the gap in substantive posts, I have been on vacation in Canada and the U.S. for a while and have slacked on the posting.

Sophie and I have been doing really well, talking about children and building a family together and have been fighting a lot less since we used to.

Part of me thinks we fight less because we started marriage counseling- something that Sophie was reluctant to do at first. We decided to do it because we are both incredibly different people and we were  fighting so much, about nothing important really, but we both decided it was important to learn how to fight, since we both know fighting is part of marriage and relationships.

Ever since counseling, we have been on the same page and are more communicative with one another. Having an advocate for our marriage is so important and having someone talking us through even the most simplest of issues is both refreshing and eye opening.

As we move forward and get ready to start our second year of medical school soon, we both know marriage is different and more serious than dating or being engaged. I have learned a lot about relationships and the importance of communication in the last 6 months than I have learned in my entire life.

Anyways, I hope this post makes some sort of sense and I look forward to being more consistent with my posting.

Thoughts on the weekend events

I can’t tell you how many people have criticized me, ridiculed me, tried to silence me for being “too harsh” or “too emotional” toward my friends/family (online and in person) when it comes to calling out racism/bigotry in people’s words/actions. (my partners have criticized me over the years, my family members have criticized me, my friends have asked me to tone it down around certain people… the list goes on and on and there’s lots of victim blaming and devils-advocate-ing that has gone on…)

but. you forget that A) I put myself thru the same ringer every moment to make sure antiblackness and bigotry don’t come out in my words/actions. I’m EXTREMELY introspective and try to be as accountable as possible when I do mess up. I have internalized a lot of bs from this world and it is a full-time job trying to get rid of it from my system.

And you maybe also forget that B) the future of our society depends on it… on ALL of us calling out racism. yes, when it’s tough, scary, right in front of us. the crazy part is, it’s a lot more dangerous for some of us than others. I honestly experience anxiety watching black women / queer women / trans women and nonconforming femmes/ elder women / differently abled women take to the frontline. But if we can show up in our relationships, workplaces, classrooms, communities being authentic, present, brave, mindful about our own behavior AND passionate enough to call others into that same introspective reflection, so can you! what if more people were inspired by our passion as black women? not defensive? imagine.

 

A year ago things were so different

So one year ago I met a girl who I didn’t know would change my life. Now one reading this automatically would assume its my wife, well surprise its not. At this point you’re probably thinking I’m a dick, but let me explain, because I promise I’m not.

 

A year ago I was in an incredibly abusive relationship and pregnant.  For comfort I often turned to basketball, a sport I played competitively throughout my childhood and in college. To keep the story short, I turned to Instagram and reached out to someone with a mutual interest in women’s basketball and I told her something I had never told anyone before, I was in an abusive relationship and pregnant with a child that I wasn’t sure I was ready to keep or deal with. She showed me an unbelievable balance of compassion and reality and made sure I was okay. As our conversations quickly grew more frequent, we soon began talking everyday. She was the first person I told when I eventually lost the baby and ultimately, left the guy.  At this point I had learned she was a young college student in Canada and I was in Houston spending time with my family and protecting myself from my crazy ex boyfriend who was threating me.

While the girl and I kept talking and realized we liked each other a lot more than we thought, we never acted upon those feelings because we both knew long distance is hard and we didn’t actually know each other, I also had a new boyfriend, Eric, who the girl knew about. To keep it brief and to the point, in February of this year, we ended our conversations in a much explosive matter. (Earlier posts go in detail of the entire event). She stopped responding to my emails, phone calls, text messages, and any other form of communication.  To put it bluntly, she ghosted.  I was first pretty upset and hurt as she had become an important part of my life and someone I confided in about the most sensitive of topics. People who know me know that I am perfectly comfortable dwelling in my own thoughts as I learned the feelings won’t go away until they are confronted and acknowledged. However, I soon delve myself into medical school and met another Canadian, my wife.

 

Now I don’t know what we were or what exactly happened, but my point of this post was to say at a time when the anniversary of losing my baby is coming up, I owe her probably my life. I don’t know if I would be standing here today if I had not reached out to her and she gave me the hard truth about leaving my ex. Now we haven’t spoken in over 5 months and I don’t know if she even cares about me at all, but I thank her everyday because I am now the happiest person in the world. I have a wife, we are going to be adopting kids, and I do thank her for that.

 

We probably wont ever talk again but I cherish those brief months of communication and thank her for showing me compassion and understanding.

 

Thank you for everyone who read this and I am sorry it was so jumbled.